Just when you think you have life (somewhat) figured out, you get thrown a curveball.
As I said, after Lynley's surgery and into the fall, I just couldn't shake the sadness of the pregnancy I didn't get to have. I was pregnant all right, but I didn't get to experience the JOY of it all. Instead, I had a black cloud looming over with every doctor's appointment. I simply could not enjoy the whole experience of awaiting a precious baby (and, oh my, was she precious).
There was really nothing I could do to change my feelings except pray about it continually, and that's just what I did. I went on pretending that things were great, but inside I just felt empty. I knew, in time, God would make it all better, so I trudged on enjoying what I had been blessed with...a super, healthy son and a precious, healed daughter. I was still on leave from school, getting Lynley to her therapy sessions and doctor appointments and watching her truly thrive and astound everyone she came in contact with.
We celebrated a certain five-year-old's birthday, a busy Christmas season, and the first birthday of an amazing one-year-old. Life was moving right along, and I moved right along with it. The feeling of emptiness and sadness never completely went away. In fact, on dark days, the feeling was unbearable. That wasn't every day, though. I spent my time soaking up all I could of the two best children I could have been given.
For Spring Break, we took our yearly family trip to Gatlinburg...one of my favorite trips of the year. It's just my immediate family, and we have so much fun just getting away for the week. No real schedules, dirty laundry, cleaning...you get the idea. I had no idea that this year we were going to experience the twist and turn of a lifetime! As the week sped by, the girl whose cycle is ALWAYS to the day was off. A few days late became a week, and I'll just tell you, this girl began to panic. Of course, I kept thinking of all the medical things that could be wrong with me. Jason, being fully Jason, was more laid back about it. It was mentioned in passing a couple of times throughout the week that it could be that I was pregnant, but neither of us could truly let that sink in. After all, three in vitros and $75,000 later, we were extremely lucky (and blessed) to have the two kiddos we have. I convinced myself that something was wrong and vowed to go to the doctor the next week to find out what it was.
The pregnancy thought kept nagging us. When we got home on Thursday night, Jason decided to just get a home test to rule that out. Let me just say, neither of us were even remotely thinking that was the "problem". I did the test the next morning (without Jason knowing it because he made it clear he did not want to know when I did it). I guess the nerves were more than he could handle. As I did the test, I had zero confidence that it would be positive. Remember, I had never seen one of these be positive...ever! I had seen more lines and no's than I cared to in a lifetime. I convinced myself that I was not capable of producing a positive test. Here's what I saw even before the three minutes were up....
God, you TRULY do have a sense of humor! And the fun begins....
