You know that nagging feeling you get when something is just not right? Well, I was experiencing it A LOT! I chalked it up to the loss we had just suffered of losing one of our twins. Tried as I may, I just couldn't shake it. If you know me at all, you know that I can worry about things to death (not extremely proud of that...just being completely honest). As hard as I try to not let things get to me, I just end up fretting about things...both insignificant (that's what it is most of the time) and true dilemmas. If you'll let me, I'll talk about a subject over and over until I've beat the poor subject to death at least five times. I know some of you are smiling right now, because you have been the person on the other end of a "talk" with me...bless your heart!
In this case, though, I was pretty closed mouth about my concerns. I think deep down I thought that if I didn't give my worries about this sweet baby a voice, then maybe, just maybe, everything would turn out just fine. That is until one Wednesday night at church during choir practice....
It was the Wednesday night before we were to find out the gender of our baby on Monday. This particular choir rehearsal started out like any other. We began taking prayer requests at the beginning, but then God took over. I'm not sure we sang one note the entire time. People began to share things that were on their hearts. After each person spoke their story or request, we would pray specifically for each situation. Person after person spoke up. Prayer after prayer was lifted.
Then and there in that choir practice, the nagging feeling welled up with a vengeance. For the first time out loud, I shared my concerns that something was just "not right" with my precious unborn baby. With more tears than I had shed in quite a while, I spoke all my heartfelt fears. A special prayer was said over me, and I believe with all my heart that that choir practice was orchestrated just for me.
I would like to say that all my fears and concern went away, but they didn't. However, I knew God was in this with me, right by my side. Let me say a big "thank goodness"!
On that next Monday in the middle of September (September 12, to be exact), we went to my next appointment to find out our baby's sex. I was so excited and nervous at the same time. We did not have to wait long and were called back for the ultrasound. This was the first time to see our baby in a few months, so the first glimpse was awesome. There SHE was...our little baby GIRL. Tears welled up and began flowing down my face. It seemed as if all my dreams were coming true and it felt good...for just a couple of minutes. The ultrasound technician took a good look at all of little girl and measured everything she could measure. As we (Jason and I) were celebrating the thought of having a girl, things started to go way wrong. The technician didn't say anything was wrong, but it was the look I saw on her face that I will absolutely NEVER forget. Something WAS wrong. I could tell.
She gave us sweet pictures of our baby girl and told us what room to go in to wait on the doctor...all the routine stuff. Jason and I are used to waiting on doctors to join us in a room (after all, we'd spent many hours in doctor's offices over the years), but this wait was different. It took Dr. Stone a long time to come in to see us. The nagging feeling was there stronger than ever. Jason and I tried really hard to talk about the joy of finding out we were having a girl, but there was a HUGE elephant in the room. Something was just not right.
After what seemed like ages, Dr. Stone came in. He told us all of the good things they saw in the ultrasound. Then, he said it. He told us that the ultrasound tech had measured the skin on the back of our baby's neck, and it was measuring 1mm more than it should (one MILLIMETER). He assured us that, as far as they knew, everything else looked fine. Just to be sure, he was referring us a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor for an in depth ultrasound. He told us that he was pretty sure it would turn out to be nothing, but there was about a 10% chance that something could be wrong. He said all the right things to try to calm our nerves about it, but the nagging feeling was there shouting as loudly as ever.
As tradition has it, after we find out the sex of our babies, we go to Babies R Us to buy our first pink or blue. (I'm not sure you could call this a tradition since this was only our second baby, but...) After making an appointment to have our complete ultrasound at the Maternal Fetal Medicine for Wednesday afternoon, we drove over to Babies R Us. What should have been a fun time of celebration was pretty somber. We tried to be upbeat about all the pink we looked at, but agreed we both just felt like leaving (without any pink).
As it turned out, forty-eight hours later, we experienced a parent's WORST nightmare.....
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
A Pain Like No Other!
In the week that passed from one ultrasound to the next, I tried everything in my power to will both of those beautiful babies to live and thrive!
We went the following week to our next ultrasound. It was every parent's worst fear...baby "A" was growing right on schedule and baby "B" was more than just a little behind. As we met with the doctor after the ultrasound, she informed us that we were losing one of our precious little ones. In the weekly ultrasounds to follow, we would watch baby "B" get smaller and smaller and finally just "vanish." In all we had been through to this point, I thought we had experienced every kind of heartache and emotion possible as far as babies were concerned. I was wrong! This was a hurt like no other that ran VERY deep. As I type these words, the pain and heartache is still there. I still have tears that come to my eyes at the thought or mention of our sweet baby. To this day, my husband cannot talk about it. It hurt him in a way that I have never seen. In theory, it should have helped us that we still had one healthy baby. Yes, we were overjoyed at the fact that baby "A" was doing well, but a miscarriage is a miscarriage. It hurts to the core of a mommy's being....and still does.
To make matters worse, we had to go to back to the doctor's office weekly for the next few weeks. What should have been a joyous time was dampened by having to watch our baby get smaller and smaller each week. By the end of our time at the infertility doctor, all that was left of our miracle was an empty sac. Talk about heart wrenching....
I'll be completely honest, it took us a little while to get over our loss. After all, we had prayed for this miracle and had been overcome with joy (and shock) at the news of twins. Now, we had to, once again, pick ourselves up and get back in the game. We had a three-year-old and baby "A" who needed us! It took a few months for the hole in our hearts to begin to fill up. The pain never went away, but excitement about our thriving new addition was becoming our focus.
In a few short weeks, we would find out the gender of our baby (and SO much more)....
We went the following week to our next ultrasound. It was every parent's worst fear...baby "A" was growing right on schedule and baby "B" was more than just a little behind. As we met with the doctor after the ultrasound, she informed us that we were losing one of our precious little ones. In the weekly ultrasounds to follow, we would watch baby "B" get smaller and smaller and finally just "vanish." In all we had been through to this point, I thought we had experienced every kind of heartache and emotion possible as far as babies were concerned. I was wrong! This was a hurt like no other that ran VERY deep. As I type these words, the pain and heartache is still there. I still have tears that come to my eyes at the thought or mention of our sweet baby. To this day, my husband cannot talk about it. It hurt him in a way that I have never seen. In theory, it should have helped us that we still had one healthy baby. Yes, we were overjoyed at the fact that baby "A" was doing well, but a miscarriage is a miscarriage. It hurts to the core of a mommy's being....and still does.
To make matters worse, we had to go to back to the doctor's office weekly for the next few weeks. What should have been a joyous time was dampened by having to watch our baby get smaller and smaller each week. By the end of our time at the infertility doctor, all that was left of our miracle was an empty sac. Talk about heart wrenching....
I'll be completely honest, it took us a little while to get over our loss. After all, we had prayed for this miracle and had been overcome with joy (and shock) at the news of twins. Now, we had to, once again, pick ourselves up and get back in the game. We had a three-year-old and baby "A" who needed us! It took a few months for the hole in our hearts to begin to fill up. The pain never went away, but excitement about our thriving new addition was becoming our focus.
In a few short weeks, we would find out the gender of our baby (and SO much more)....
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Without a Hitch
For the first time ever, retrieval day and transfer day went along without a hitch. They retrieved 18 eggs (the thought of that scared Jason Pierce to death). We got our nursery updates and by transfer day, once again, we only had two to mature. Those two, however, looked "very promising." I held onto the picture of my two "babies" for the two week wait for the pregnancy test.
As the days passed right after the transfer, I did my part by relaxing as much as I could and hanging upside down for lengthy amounts of time (for optimal results). Yes, I really did hang upside down!!!! I have no idea if any of that helps, but we had a lot at stake here so I was not going to look back with any regrets! With each passing day, I looked for ANY signs of being pregnant and I felt nothing! Of course, in the first few weeks of pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant yet!!!! I rubbed my belly, sang songs, and every motherly thing I could think of to keep those sweet babies comfortable so they would stay! By the way, two weeks is a LONG time to wait!
The last day of school that year was pregnancy test day. I tried everything I could think of to stay positive. That was easier said than done, because I had experienced the pain of finding out it didn't work. I just didn't know if I could endure that pain again.
I had not gotten back to school 30 minutes when I got the phone call.....I was PREGNANT and it WORKED! Elated is not a big enough word for the way we felt. They told me my numbers and they were extremely high (which could be a sign of multiples). Although that freaked me out, I knew I was ready for any blessing God granted the Pierce family. It was a great day, and I'm pretty sure I didn't stop smiling at all!
In about two weeks, we went for the first ultrasound. There they were...beautiful TWINS. Yes, it was a shock (more for daddy than for mommy), but we were somewhat prepared for the news. They were the most beautiful pieces of "rice" I had seen (that was about their size). We got our first official pictures of baby "A" and baby "B" and I carried them with me everywhere I went. It seemed that all of our hard work had paid off in the most exciting way!
During the first 10 weeks of pregnancy, we remained with the infertility doctor and had weekly visits to see our little pieces of heaven. On our next visit, I saw that oh-so-familiar face on the ultrasound technician's face. It was a face that tried to smile while figuring out how to share some disturbing news. As I looked on the screen beside me, I began to see what she was concerned about...one baby was growing right on schedule while baby "B" was lagging behind. They tried to reassure us that it is somewhat typical for twins to vary in growth. It isn't that uncommon to see this. Although they gave their very best efforts to reassure us and encourage us, I had a horrible "mommy" feeling. (It would turn out to be the first of MANY uncomfortable "mommy" feelings, unfortunately). They told us not to worry and to come back in a week to have the next ultrasound. I tried my very best to think positive thoughts over the next week, and even began believing them when they said that this was typical. After all, we had worked hard to get here and these were happy times. Right?????????
As the days passed right after the transfer, I did my part by relaxing as much as I could and hanging upside down for lengthy amounts of time (for optimal results). Yes, I really did hang upside down!!!! I have no idea if any of that helps, but we had a lot at stake here so I was not going to look back with any regrets! With each passing day, I looked for ANY signs of being pregnant and I felt nothing! Of course, in the first few weeks of pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant yet!!!! I rubbed my belly, sang songs, and every motherly thing I could think of to keep those sweet babies comfortable so they would stay! By the way, two weeks is a LONG time to wait!
The last day of school that year was pregnancy test day. I tried everything I could think of to stay positive. That was easier said than done, because I had experienced the pain of finding out it didn't work. I just didn't know if I could endure that pain again.
I had not gotten back to school 30 minutes when I got the phone call.....I was PREGNANT and it WORKED! Elated is not a big enough word for the way we felt. They told me my numbers and they were extremely high (which could be a sign of multiples). Although that freaked me out, I knew I was ready for any blessing God granted the Pierce family. It was a great day, and I'm pretty sure I didn't stop smiling at all!
In about two weeks, we went for the first ultrasound. There they were...beautiful TWINS. Yes, it was a shock (more for daddy than for mommy), but we were somewhat prepared for the news. They were the most beautiful pieces of "rice" I had seen (that was about their size). We got our first official pictures of baby "A" and baby "B" and I carried them with me everywhere I went. It seemed that all of our hard work had paid off in the most exciting way!
During the first 10 weeks of pregnancy, we remained with the infertility doctor and had weekly visits to see our little pieces of heaven. On our next visit, I saw that oh-so-familiar face on the ultrasound technician's face. It was a face that tried to smile while figuring out how to share some disturbing news. As I looked on the screen beside me, I began to see what she was concerned about...one baby was growing right on schedule while baby "B" was lagging behind. They tried to reassure us that it is somewhat typical for twins to vary in growth. It isn't that uncommon to see this. Although they gave their very best efforts to reassure us and encourage us, I had a horrible "mommy" feeling. (It would turn out to be the first of MANY uncomfortable "mommy" feelings, unfortunately). They told us not to worry and to come back in a week to have the next ultrasound. I tried my very best to think positive thoughts over the next week, and even began believing them when they said that this was typical. After all, we had worked hard to get here and these were happy times. Right?????????
Monday, April 1, 2013
You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up!
As I mentioned earlier, if the doctor had called off the In Vitro, it would have been devastating for several reasons. The obvious would be the heartache of another failed/delayed In Vitro attempt. Another would be because we had already bought the VERY expensive medicines for the duration of the cycle. Did I mention that the medicines are pretty expensive? The medicines for In Vitro (injections, hormones, etc) cannot be purchased at just a regular pharmacy. They have to be ordered from a specialty pharmacy from a larger city, sometimes another state. We order it all at once at the beginning of the cycle and have it shipped to us (which is an act of Congress in itself) , and it's all there as you are ready for it along the way.
As retrieval day approached, everything was falling into place...especially the nerves. It had already been a roller coaster and we weren't even to the procedures yet. Retrieval was scheduled for Friday morning. The all important (and ever so painful) HCG shot has to given EXACTLY 36 hours before the scheduled retrieval. Thankfully, I had several sweet nurse friends to help me out with important injections, because there are just so many times a wife can allow the husband, who has promised to love, honor, and cherish her in sickness and health, to come at her rear end with a sharp needle (sorry for the visual). Since the retrieval was scheduled for 8:00 Friday morning, the HCG shot had to given at 8:00 Wednesday night. That would work out perfectly. I would take the shot with me to choir practice and my sweet friend would give it to me afterwards. Simple, right?
As the time to go to church neared, I went to the box of medicines I had received in the mail weeks earlier. I looked for the HCG injection and it was nowhere to be found. I thought SURELY I had overlooked it somehow, so I searched the box again, to no avail. As I am quickly approaching the panic stricken state, I decide to check the packing slip to make sure it was sent. The HCG was not on the packing slip, which means it was never sent. If it was never sent, that means I did NOT have it. If I didn't have it, this was NOT good. As I said, you just can't make this stuff up.
In my now way-beyond-panic-stricken state, I told Jason of the situation. The doctor's office was closed. There was no local pharmacy that had the shot, and the time to given the injection was quickly approaching. What in the world were we going to do? Over my dead body was this cycle going to end because someone had forgotten to send the shot to me (although checking my delivered box of medicines to make sure everything was there would have been a bright idea on my part). We hurriedly called the doctor's office answering service to get someone who could tell us what to do. If you've ever had to call an answering service before, a speedy callback is not what you normally get (God love them). This case was no different. As 7:00 neared, the nurse called me back unsure of what to tell me to do. She thought she could find a pharmacy in the Birmingham area that had it. Well, great! She would have consult with someone and call me back. I made sure that I informed her (in the nicest way possible) that calling off the retrieval was NOT an option! She called back and told me (through my ugly cry tears) that the only option was to drive to a single pharmacy in Birmingham to pick it up. Jason immediately left for the pharmacy at 7:45 to get the medicine. That is 15 minutes before the all-important shot had to be given. They told me that, although this was definitely not the best case scenario, that it should be okay. That didn't settle very well. I didn't like the "should" be okay part, but nothing was going to stop me! Jason got home around 10:30 and we immediately went to my friend's house across town for the injection. (That's going way above and beyond the call of friendship...thank you, Debra). The injection was given a few minutes before 11:00, and that was going to have to work. We would see....
As retrieval day approached, everything was falling into place...especially the nerves. It had already been a roller coaster and we weren't even to the procedures yet. Retrieval was scheduled for Friday morning. The all important (and ever so painful) HCG shot has to given EXACTLY 36 hours before the scheduled retrieval. Thankfully, I had several sweet nurse friends to help me out with important injections, because there are just so many times a wife can allow the husband, who has promised to love, honor, and cherish her in sickness and health, to come at her rear end with a sharp needle (sorry for the visual). Since the retrieval was scheduled for 8:00 Friday morning, the HCG shot had to given at 8:00 Wednesday night. That would work out perfectly. I would take the shot with me to choir practice and my sweet friend would give it to me afterwards. Simple, right?
As the time to go to church neared, I went to the box of medicines I had received in the mail weeks earlier. I looked for the HCG injection and it was nowhere to be found. I thought SURELY I had overlooked it somehow, so I searched the box again, to no avail. As I am quickly approaching the panic stricken state, I decide to check the packing slip to make sure it was sent. The HCG was not on the packing slip, which means it was never sent. If it was never sent, that means I did NOT have it. If I didn't have it, this was NOT good. As I said, you just can't make this stuff up.
In my now way-beyond-panic-stricken state, I told Jason of the situation. The doctor's office was closed. There was no local pharmacy that had the shot, and the time to given the injection was quickly approaching. What in the world were we going to do? Over my dead body was this cycle going to end because someone had forgotten to send the shot to me (although checking my delivered box of medicines to make sure everything was there would have been a bright idea on my part). We hurriedly called the doctor's office answering service to get someone who could tell us what to do. If you've ever had to call an answering service before, a speedy callback is not what you normally get (God love them). This case was no different. As 7:00 neared, the nurse called me back unsure of what to tell me to do. She thought she could find a pharmacy in the Birmingham area that had it. Well, great! She would have consult with someone and call me back. I made sure that I informed her (in the nicest way possible) that calling off the retrieval was NOT an option! She called back and told me (through my ugly cry tears) that the only option was to drive to a single pharmacy in Birmingham to pick it up. Jason immediately left for the pharmacy at 7:45 to get the medicine. That is 15 minutes before the all-important shot had to be given. They told me that, although this was definitely not the best case scenario, that it should be okay. That didn't settle very well. I didn't like the "should" be okay part, but nothing was going to stop me! Jason got home around 10:30 and we immediately went to my friend's house across town for the injection. (That's going way above and beyond the call of friendship...thank you, Debra). The injection was given a few minutes before 11:00, and that was going to have to work. We would see....
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