Pity Party

I would love to say that as I laid in the bed awaiting surgery that March morning that I spent my time counting my blessings and talking happily about the possibilities of our future.  I have to say it was a low point.  After all, we had made the hard decision to try this In Vitro thing again. We had just paid a large amount of money to start the cycle. We already had our expensive medicines ordered.  We extensively prayed to God for wisdom throughout this process.  Now, instead of following our cycle calendar with to the daily medications, injections, doctor visits, and ultrasounds to prepare us for "the" day, I was lying in the bed waiting to undergo a surgery I simply didn't want (not that many people do cartwheels at the thought of surgery).  I laid in that bed that day and had myself a pretty large pity party.  This is not what I had planned.  As I laid there, I had to realize and remember that God's timing is not mine.  He sees the big picture and I see the here and now.  I had a big "a-ha" moment that surrgery day. I was going to do my best to pray and live according to the plan God had for me.  After all, He never promised it would be easy.  He just promised that He would never leave me alone.  To this day, He never has!

Surgery went without a hitch.  Aside from being groggy and a little sore, I was back to myself within a few days.  My doctor let us know that day that we would have wait a month before beginning again.  Once again, that's not what we had planned, but we could certainly wait a month.  That wouldn't be too bad, and it wasn't. 

As April inched closer, we began to get excited and anxious once again.  I must say that as the day came for the first ultrasound to make sure everything was okay (and there were no "extra" cysts to be found), I was a nervous wreck.  My eyes moved between the ultrasound screen (because after all the ultrasounds I have had, I think they could hire me to read them) and the nurse's face.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  Things were perfect....finally!  We were on our way. I had several ultrasounds and bloodwork done over the next couple of weeks.  Things were progressing the way they were supposed to.

I began giving myself at least 3 injections a day (up to 6 on some days) and had an ultrasound every couple of days to make sure my follicles were growing.  They put me on the same protocol that I used when we had Harrison.  That sounds great until they tell you that they NEVER use that certain protocol anymore because it is not very successful for most people.  Gee, wonderful!  I just had to remember that it worked for Harrison.  At least we know that my body CAN respond to it.  I simply had to put it in God's hands.

We were within days of scheduling the Retrieval.  On a Friday morning, I went to the doctor for another ultrasound.  The nurse said everything looked great, but they (the follicles) still needed to grow a few more days to get to the desired size.  I was scheduled to go back on that Sunday for a final check.  It was Mother's Day.  Although I wanted to go to church with my family on Mother's Day, I had to remind myself that there would be many more Mother's Days and this was very important.

I had no idea how this Mother's Day would turn out....

Same Song, Fifteenth Verse

I would be lying if I said I never had any doubts about our latest decision.  By the time we left the lawyer's office to close on our house (again) and we had signed on the dotted line enough to buy an entire country, I felt a little overwhelmed.  Even though this new payment on our house that we had refinanced was not going to strap us financially (a whole lot), it was a big step for us. We had just made a "grown up" decision!  After a lot of prayer, we knew we were making the right decision, but there were times we (or at least I) was just a tad overwhelmed.  What if we took this giant leap of faith and In Vitro didn't work?  It would be like flushing LOTS of money down the toilet.  I don't know about you, but we don't make a habit of flushing large amounts of money down the potty at the Pierce household (or small amounts, for that matter)!  If this procedure didn't work (and there was only a 35% chance that it would), we would be throwing away about $25,000!!! That's a little unnerving!  However, I knew I would never be fully satisfied until I gave this "second" motherhood thing all the chances I possibly could.

Here is where I want to say that we were not doing this because Harrison was not enough for us.  On the contrary, it's because he made parenthood so incredibly wonderful, we couldn't imagine not having that experience again.  At times, I questioned myself about this with tears in my eyes.  Shouldn't he be enough?  Shouldn't I just be grateful for the awesome blessing God gave us a few years earlier?  Wouldn't it better to stop while we're ahead?  Wouldn't $25,000 be needed in our future?  Don't think for a second that I didn't ask those questions in prayer daily. We asked God for wisdom and He gave it to us in the form of peace.  We may not have another child at the end of this journey, but we would have peace knowing that Almighty God would give us His joy and comfort no matter what the outcome would be.  If you know the end of our journey then you know that was a huge foreshadowing if there ever was one!!!!!

So.....we began our second In Vitro journey in February of 2011.  We met with our fertility doctor and actually walked out of the office that day (after being there for over four hours) with a VERY detailed In Vitro calendar to begin the end of the month.  Not sure I had ever been more excited and scared to death at the same time.  Once nature took its course at the end of the month, I was to go in for an ultrasound to start everything up.

When I went in for my routine ultrasound a few weeks later, it did not turn out routine at all (surprise, surprise).  They found another small cyst that was going to halt everything until they got it out.  Seriously?  Hadn't I already traveled this road and bought the T-shirt?  They started mentioning surgery and removal and I lost it.  Right there in the office, I lost it.  What happened to that wisdom and perfect peace?  It had exited the building.  Because of my not-so-pretty coming apart at the mention of surgery and postponing our cycle, they said there was a slight chance they could remove it in the office, but it may not be pleasant.  Since I couldn't think of anything MORE unpleasant than putting my dreams on hold, I told them to try to get it in the office that day (like an idiot).  I walked in that day with a smile a mile wide because I knew my dreams were actually becoming a reality, and now they were using a lot of sharp pointed things to try to remove something inside me.  To top it off, I am at this appointment BY MYSELF, because I told Jason it was routine and there was no reason for him to take off of school to come with me.  Yes, I am an EXTREMELY slow learner!!!!  I know this is not a huge surprise, but they were unable to get the cyst on that day, so I found myself three hours later in the Preadmitting Office scheduling my surgery the following week....

The Hubby Pulls Through!

As I said, I spent the fall of 2006 soul searching.  I cried out to God to show me exactly what HIS plan was for our lives, not just what I wanted.  Try as I may to get rid of the intense desire for another child, I just couldn't do it!  I talked the situation to death with friends and family, and I asked God to close all doors if His plan was only one child for us.  In the end, I just didn't feel like God was saying, "Stop."  I wrestled with this, because I wanted to make sure that this was God's plan for us...not Michelle's.

Occasionally, Jason and I would talk about more children, but the talk always ended the same.  We'd do it IF we had the money. When we bought our house, it had an unfinished upstairs.  In the hopes of having another baby, we finished the upstairs.  It added another bedroom/office ,a huge playroom (which was nice because our living room was beginning to look like a Toys R Us factory), and a bathroom. We kinda felt like Field of Dreams...."if you build it, they will come."  Nice as it was to have this new space, it cost money.  Plus, In Vitro with Harrison cost nearly $28,000.  That is not just a drop in the bucket for two school teachers.  As you can see, money was a big obstacle.  Jason reminded me often that, as much as we wanted to, In Vitro was just not financially possible.  Although I knew he was right, convincing my heart of that was not an easy task.

I was feeling rather helpless and hopeless until that Tuesday afternoon...

Jason told me before school that day that he would be a little later coming home from school.  Usually, I would have questioned where he was going, but, for some reason, I didn't ask.  I wasplaying upstairs with Harrison when he came home that afternoon.  He truly looked like a cat that swallowed a canary!  He had a smirk on his face from ear to ear.  I'll admit that my curiosity was piqued.  He told me he had gone to the credit union to meet with someone to see if there was ANY way we could get the money we needed for another round of In Vitro.  He was told that by refinancing our house payment and adjusting a few things, it was absolutely possible for us to get the money we needed without seriously strapping us. Oh my goodness!  I sat there momentarily before asking any questions, because I was speechless (which is rare for me).

Right then and there, we decided that we were going to do it.  My dreams might actually become a reality....