Finding Serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I repeated this prayer to myself many times over the next few months.  Surgery went well, and I have to say the next few months went by with minimal anxiety.  I asked God to give me peace about our wait, and He did that tenfold.  That's not to say I never thought about another baby or didn't count the months until we could go ahead, but I was content for the time being.  I was busy wrapping up another school year, and three-year-old Harrison filled my time with lots of love and energy!  God also used this time to remind me daily how very blessed I am to have my three-year-old miracle. 

As July crept up, we were ready to start the process again.  We knew that there was little chance (medically) of insemination working, but we felt we would give it our best shot (no pun intended).  I gave myself five days of injections to get ready for insemination.  It brought back A LOT of memories (not so pleasant) of the over 200 injections I had to get Harrison here.  I hate shots.  I hate needles.  I hate medication.  But, I love being a mommy.  If this works, as in the case of Harrison, it will all be worth it!

We went in for insemination on a July Monday morning.  It was pretty uneventful and far less invasive than In Vitro.  We were in and out of the office in about an hour (most of that waiting on the doctor).  I was set to come in for a pregnancy test in 12 days.  We left the next morning for the beach.  What better way to relax and decrease anxiety than sitting with your toes in the sand?  We had a great time and remained hopeful.  I wish I could say that I didn't get my hopes up completely, but I can't.  I knew the percentages were low, but I fully invested myself into this (even though I really tried not to).   To this day, I still can't figure out how to only invest a portion of myself.  It's a great trait when things work out beautifully, the way you want.  It's not so great when things fall apart.

Before the day of the pregnancy test, nature took it's course.  I guess God didn't want me to have to wait the full 12 days.  That was a hard day.  Like I said, the percentages were low, but I was crushed anyway.  Yes, I should have known that there was a huge possibility that things would turn out this way, but this was my dream.  Thankfully, unlike before, I had a precious son at home to help me heal. 

That was it.  We stopped all fertility treatments. We really didn't want to put ourselves through the pain of another insemination, especially since the odds were so low.  The cost monetarily was not that great, but the cost emotionally was extremely large.  

From time to time over the next few months, we discussed our options (what very few there were).  In Vitro was really the only way to go for us, and that just wasn't possible.  We simply didn't have the money to do that again.  It was a touchy subject at our house.  To be perfectly honest, Jason was satisfied with one child.  He would have been more than happy to have another one, but he was content.  I, on the other hand, longed for another child.  I LOVED Harrison and "mommyhood" so much that I just had a hard time digesting the fact that this could be it.  I also wanted more than anything for Harrison to have a sibling.  I am an only child, and so is Jason.  If you do the math, Harrison will never have first cousins.  I really wanted him to have a lifelong playmate.

The next few months were soul searching months.  I spent each and every day trying to be ok with one child.  I did my best.  I really did.  I asked God many times a day to decrease my longing.  It just didn't happen...

If It Weren't For Bad Luck, I'd Have No Luck At All!

I have a wonderful life.  I truly do! However, when it comes to fertility issues, everything seems to fall apart!

When we left the office the day we discussed our options and the routine evaluation was scheduled, we felt pretty good.  We really didn't want to be back in this place again, but we were trying to be optimistic.  Now that we have had a child, maybe things will go a little faster and more smoothly this time.  Boy, were we wrong!

I went back a couple of weeks later for my evaluation (physical, blood tests, etc) to make sure we could move forward with our plan of insemination with injections.  I was poked and prodded more than I care to mention and answered more questions than I care to mention, but everything went smoothly.  We would have to wait a few days to get the blood results back, but everything looked like it would be a go. Before I left the office that day, our insemination calendar was discussed.  That meant that pretty soon, things were getting started and I was ready.  The only thing I had left to do was go for a tube test (there is a more medical name for it) to make sure my tubes were not blocked in any way.  That was necessary for us to proceed.  I had one many years ago, but apparently that was not up-to-date enough.  I truly wasn't anxious about it a bit, since I had already gone through this with flying colors before.  It's scheduled kind of like surgery and is not the most comfortable procedure.  They give you a little pain medicine prescription to go home with, but other than some pretty bad cramping, it's not that bad.  My doctor was in surgery on the scheduled day, so another doctor in the practice performed the test.  As she finished the test, she told us that everything looked great and to go ahead and start the cycle for insemination that had been discussed.  Jason and I were relieved.  All the formalities were now over and we could get a move on.  We barely walked in the door that afternoon when the phone rang.  We saw that it was the fertility clinic, but we just (naively) thought they were calling to check on me. Oh, how I wish that had been the case.  The doctor that had performed the tube test called to tell us that she had reviewed the data (photos and all) and had found something she missed while we were there.  She said that she found a cyst in the wall of my uterus that had to be removed.  It was definitely at a size and a place that could prevent a pregnancy or cause complications if a pregnancy occurred.  Just like that....the dream was postponed and my hopes were shattered.  I pleaded with the doctor on the phone to let me move ahead anyway.  I went from disbelief to complete pity in a matter of minutes.  As nicely as she could, she told me that there was no reason to go ahead with our plan at this time and surgery was needed to get rid of it.  Surgery?  Please, no!  After all, we already had the medicines for the shots ready to go.  We had the insemination planned!  This couldn't all be stopped just like that.  I asked her to have my doctor call me.  In my pitiful state, I was truly hoping that my doctor would tell me the cyst was no big deal and everything would move forward as planned.  My doctor did call me within the hour, and confirmed my worst fear.  Everything was halted.  They would stop the order for the medicines.  They would cancel the calendar we had made for insemination.  Someone would call from the hospital the next day to schedule the surgery.  Not only did I have to give up on my dreams of moving forward, I had to have surgery.  I halfheartedly agreed to the surgery (like I had any choice in the matter).  I made the mistake of asking if we could proceed with insemination the next month, and I was told I would have to wait three months to start up again.  Are you kidding me?  How could we go from "everything's a go" to "you're going to have surgery and everything is halted for three months"?

I'm not going to lie.  I really struggled with this one.  I was pretty down about it, although I knew in my heart that this was just a roadblock...not the end.  I'll be honest, though, it felt like the end.  I didn't want to have surgery and I surely did not want to wait on my dream of having another baby.  Although things were not happening as I had hoped, God had a different plan.  I could either get on board with God's timing or I could spent the rest of my life miserable and bitter.  I chose to get on board with God...and what a ride this would be!   Little did I know at the time, but this would be one of the smaller roadblocks to come.....

Not This Again!

When school started back in August, Harrison was almost 9 months old.  I was very grateful that I had been able to stay at home with him.  I slowly got back into the swing of teaching and being a mom.  It was rough at first, because I felt as if I was leaving my heart at home each day.  It worked out well, though, because my wonderful mom loved being with him each day (and even got depressed each summer when her duties ended for a few months). 
I had always dreamed of having two or three children.  After we had Harrison, I fooled myself into thinking that we would be one of those couples who had trouble having our first one, but, after that, things would just "happen."  When we went through IVF, we were not able to freeze any embryos, so that meant it was all in nature's hands.  
Around Harrison's second birthday, we began having "the talk" about having more children.  Already having been through infertility, it was absolutely horrible to think that that was our only option...again.  I spent countless hours on my hands and knees praying that it would not be necessary for us to have to go back. That was not in God's plan for our family.
Shortly after Christmas of 2009, we decided (reluctantly) to go back to the fertility clinic to see what our options were.  We tried to remain optimistic, but dread crept in as we walked back in there.  Needless to say, I had NOT missed that place.  When we stepped foot into the waiting room, all of the emotions of our battle came rushing back with a vengeance.  Looking into the eyes all of the people in the waiting room just broke my heart for I knew their stories, not specifically, but I understood their emotional battle. 
We were called back to talk to the doctor to discuss all the options we had.  As we feared, we were given a few options that had very little chance of success.  In Vitro was highly recommended, but we just didn't have the means for that again!  We decided we had nothing to lose by trying the lesser options to see what would happen. After all, we had Harrison, a healthy, happy two-year-old and a God who was MUCH bigger than the small percentages we were given. I was scheduled for a routine, thorough evaluation before a round of insemination.
I wasn't prepared for what the "routine" evaluation would show.....
 

Somebody Pinch Me

Pure bliss....that is how I would sum up becoming a mommy.  Motherhood was all I dreamed it would be.  I'm not yet ready to say that I am GLAD we endured infertility (I still wish we could have done it the "natural" way). I can say,though, if that's  what it took to get me here, at this very moment, with the most precious baby in the world, then I am beyond thankful. Since I was on leave the second semester of that school year, I was able to soak in all that I could of Harrison. God blessed us with a very easy-going baby.  It took a lot to get his feathers ruffled.  He was a super sleeper from the start, a great eater, and cried very little.  Thank goodness!  Bare with me, this post is basically a scrapbook of Harrison's life thus far.  He truly was (and is) all Jason and I dreamed of all those long, difficult years!  God heard the prayers of so many, and answered them in one beautiful, precious boy named Harrison Scott Pierce!

Mommy and Me

Seven Weeks

First Christmas

 

Valentine's Day

First Easter

I Found My Toes!

Dedication Day/First Mother's Day

I've Always Loved to Swim

Nine Months

                                               

Handsome Halloween Boy

First Trip to the Pumpkin Patch

 

 Halloween 2008

I'm ONE (and not sure what all the fuss is about)!

First Haircut

                                     

TWO Years Old

Third Birthday

First Day of Preschool....8/2011

Oh, Those Eyes and That Smile!

Awesome Four-Year-Old

Thank You, Lord, For Every Day With This Boy!

                                              

Fifth Birthday

First Trip to Disney World

 

If that was all there was to our story, then it could be said that our difficult days were behind us.  After all, we had what we always wanted.  God wasn't finished with the Pierce family yet. NOTHING (I'm screaming that) could prepare us for what was to come.....


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11