The Long Awaited Birth

As the weeks and months passed, our miracle baby was growing perfectly.  No concerns...which was a relief because the process of getting him was one big concern after another.  It was so nice to finally be happy and excited.  I loved every moment of the preparing for his arrival.  From filling his closet with cute clothes to decorating his room, I was FINALLY enjoying what I had longed for for years.

On Thursday, November 8, I was admitted into the hospital for high blood pressure.  It was decided that I would be induced on Monday.  They monitored me all weekend, and it was a funny feeling knowing that when I left the hospital this time, I would be a mommy - at long last!  After about 24 hours of labor, a near C-section,  two epidurals (the first one did not work at all), and my "brave" husband stealing my oxygen mask from me to keep from fainting,  Harrison Scott Pierce was born...November 12, 2007 at 5:29 P.M.  He weighed 7 lbs 4 oz and was 20 inches long.  He was absolutely perfect, and it was love at first sight.  When they put that baby in my arms for the first time, EVERY shot, tear shed, depressing times, and money spent was worth it.  I could not have been happier and praise God for the gift He gave me that day.  He had to be put into the warmer for about an hour after he was born to get his body temperature up.  As he lay there across the room, I'm pretty sure I never took my eyes off of him.  Jason got to go hold his hand as he lay there, and I have to admit a little jealousy ran through me during that hour.  They finally brought the warmer close to me, so I could get my hands on him!

My dream finally came true and I would do it all over again....

Nine Months Pregnant and Waiting Patiently

Waiting for Harrison's Arrival

Harrison's First Moments

7 Lbs 4 Ozs

FINALLY moved the warmer so I could get my hands on him...

PURE joy

With Daddy

Going HOME

HAPPY mommy

Cuddling

Yes...Wonderfully Made

Sunbathing to get rid of my jaundice

 

 

Priceless...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Psalm 139:13-14

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

This Silence Is Deafening!

When the doctor came in to tell us that there was very good chance that the baby we had come to know and celebrate over the last 48 hours could not have made it through the high fever, I felt as if I had been stabbed repeatedly through my already-fragile heart.  As they came and drew my blood, I prayed with every drop they took.  Please let this baby make it.  You see, in my mind and heart, I already had a name for this precious one, a room planned, and more love than I ever thought possible.  I know it had only been a matter of days since we got the news, but I had been waiting on this for years.  As the nurse left from drawing my blood, she told us that we would get a call from my doctor with the results in 2-4 hours.  So, we waited.  Jason was in the room with me the entire time, and we carried on meaningless conversations.  Even with the chit-chat, the silence in that Brookwood Hospital room was deafening.  Neither of us could put into words the emotions that ran through us nor could we begin to discuss the "what ifs".  Most of that time was spent in silence, alone with our helpless thoughts.

It is absolutely no coincidence that this was a Sunday morning.  We have so many friends and prayer warriors that have walked this entire path with us, and we simple COULD NOT have made it without them.  As news spread to our Sunday School class and throughout our church of the possible loss, we have no doubt the number of prayers lifted on our behalf.  One by one that morning, friends would call and love on us the best they could.  I have heard from several people since how individuals and classes interceded for us.  We have never felt so lonely but so loved all at the same time.

As we waited on the news, several doctors came in for consult on what could possibly be causing the continuous high fever.  As soon as they got the fever down with meds, it would spike right back up.  I even spent about thirty minutes talking to an infectious disease physician.  Great!  I may lose this precious being inside of me and find out I have a disease.  The thought was less than comforting!

After over four hours, the doctor called with the fantastic news.  The baby was fine, and she thought that the danger was over.  Praise the Lord! I was PREGNANT!  I wanted to put it in skywriting, but Jason thought that might be going a little too far.

I was released from the hospital the next afternoon.  The fever had subsided and they never figured out the reason for it.  I can tell you that one happy, giddy girl left that hospital on March 9, 2007 (the day the original pregnancy test was supposed to be done).  I finally felt safe to celebrate and cry happy tears.  It had been ages since I cried happy tears and I enjoyed it.

Doctor's visits continued weekly for about 6 weeks (that is routine).  On March 17, we got to see our little miracle for the first time.  It was no bigger than a piece of rice on that ultrasound screen, but that was the absolute most adorable piece of rice I had ever seen.  They gave me a picture of that, too, and this mommy carried it around with her everywhere.  It was my baby's first picture!

On April 2, 2007, we were released to our regular doctor.  It was kinda sad to now become a "normal" parent.  No longer would I get to see my little joy every week.  It was good, on the other hand, to know that we were finally just pregnant parents, with joys and apprehensions like everyone else.

On June 21, 2007, we found out we were having a boy!  Jason was totally convinced that it was a girl (with no real reason at all), so it took him a minute to come to grips with it.  Don't get me wrong, he was elated.  He had just truly convinced himself!!  I, on the other hand, didn't care.  I had a healthy baby boy on the way, and life was good.  Of course, we went to Babies R Us after the appointment to purchase all the cute blue BOY stuff we could find. 

Harrison Scott Pierce was growing and thriving, and his mommy could not wait to meet him....

I Think I Can! I Think I Can!

The stinking kidney stones went away in a record three days.  As with the times before, they were extremely painful, but the having to wait for my body to heal before starting up again was the worst part. Days ticked by and, by late January, it was time for me to head back to the Fertility Clinic to see if my body was now ready.  I was a little nervous, seeing as though things had not gone very smoothly up until now.  I nearly skipped out of the office that day finding out things were a go.  Finally, our last chance was coming.

The cycle started in mid February.  Once again, I was giving myself five shots a day becoming the largest recorded pin cushion.  With every early morning appointment featuring blood tests and ultrasounds, I held my breath.  You see, I knew how quickly things could go wrong and it worried me to death.  I would study the nurse's face and look for signs of how things looked as she did the ultrasounds, counting and measuring the follicles.  On February 23, we did the Egg Retrieval.  I had a peace on that day that I had not had before, and I knew it was from all the prayers being lifted on our behalf.  We got our "nursery" report this time and it was much like before.  We had 14 precious embryos the day after the procedure and 11 on day 3.  This sounded promising....

The Embryo Transfer was February 28.  Before the procedure, we were told that we only had two embryos that made it.  On a scale of 1-4, one embryo was a "3" and the other was a "2".  I just want to stop and say right here that they were the cutest and most precious things I had ever seen!  They gave us a picture of them on transfer day and I kept them right beside me in the following days.

Needless to say, we had done all of this before.  Been here...done this.  The last time we did it, I carried right on with everyday life right after the transfer.  This time, I took a few days off work to totally relax.  I was able to somewhat relax my body, but my mind never turned off.  I spent much of those few days hanging upside down.  I felt like I could help nature a little.  Sounds a little funny to me now, but, at the time, I believed it!  Once again, I sang to my adorable babies, and talked to them constantly.  This time, no pickles were purchased, and time all but stood still waiting for the pregnancy test.

The pregnancy test was scheduled for Monday, March 12. The Thursday night before, I went to bed with a slight fever.  I had no other symptoms.  We decided to call right before bed, because they had warned us that a high fever was dangerous at this point.  When the nurse called back, she told us to keep a check on it through the night and if it skyrocketed to call "immediately".  I'm not sure I slept any that night, more from fear and stress than from the fever itself.  By the next morning, I was worse and the fever was climbing.  The doctor told us to get to the office as soon as we could.  How could this be happening?

While there, they did the routine ultrasound and bloodwork.  They had to do an early prenancy test to see how they were going to treat the fever.  A hospital stay was inevitable.  Jason and I were then taken to a room at the Fertility Clinic to await the pregnancy test results.  I'm not sure I could have squeezed Jason's hand any harder or cried any more tears than I did in those long minutes.  After what seemed like hours, a nurse came in and told us...."you're pregnant"!   After we screamed (we both really did) and hugged anyone within a fifty mile radius, they informed us that they were admitting me to the hospital to get my fever under control.  They could admit me wherever they wanted.  I was having a baby!  When I got in my room, I called everybody I could think of and told them the news.  Saying I was elated was a true understatement!

My happiness lived on, but, sadly to say, so did my fever.  They tried many things to reduce it but to no avail.  By Sunday morning, the fever remained for no apparent good reason.  It simply would not go away.  It was then that they told us that there was an extremely good chance that I had lost the baby under the conditions of the high fever.  Dear Lord, please, please, please don't take away this baby! 

Another pregnancy test was done......

Despair and Kidney Stones

As you can imagine, I had so many questions and so many emotions over the next few weeks.  I tried my hardest to be strong and focus on the God I serve who only has the best for me.  My brain knew that but my heart was completely shattered!  I had several friends who were pregnant and having baby showers at this time.  As happy as I was for them, I just couldn't go and celebrate their blessing, not knowing if I would ever get to experience it myself.  I know how selfish that sounds, but I am being completely transparent. 

Our follow up appointment was three weeks from the day of the negative pregnancy test.  I dreaded that appointment.  I didn't want to relive it all but knew it was necessary to come up with a new plan.  As we knew would happen, we were told that, just as before, their was no explanation as to why the process didn't work. Everything looked fantastic on paper. Well, wonderful!  I sure would have liked there to be a medical reason the IVF didn't work and an action plan to fix it.  No such luck!

Before we began IVF, we bought two chances (called Shared Risk).  That meant that we got two chances at IVF, and, if it didn't work, we got 75% of our money back.  I know that sounds wonderful and sounds as if the process wouldn't be as stressful under those circumstances, but I didn't want my money back!  I wanted a precious baby more than anything. 

To give my body a small break to be fully prepared for the next try, it was decided that we would wait one more month and give it our last best shot.  As time was approaching, I tried as hard as I could to pump myself up for another try.  MUCH easier said than done.  I had heard and read (because you KNOW everything you read is true..haha) that with each IVF attempt, your chances go down considerably.  I knew how painful this unsuccessful try had been.  I could only imagine how devastating it would be if it didn't work next time and my chances were over.  I just coouldn't let myself go there very often.  My future baby needed me to believe and that's what I would do.

Time finally came to start back up again.  Then it happened.  On New Year's Eve.  Kidney stones.  This really couldn't be happening.  Could it?  Wasn't the hole in my heart pain enough?  You know the saying..."When you find God is all that you have, you find He is all you need"?  It was quickly becoming my life's motto!

This was not my first bout with kidney stones, but it was the most inconvenient.  I had had them several times before (one time almost to the point of death...really).  As much as I begged in the midst of kidney stone agony, the doctor would not proceed with our scheduled IVF until my body was completely healed of the stones.  So our second and final try was delayed......

But I Have Pickles!

Life continued as normally as possible for the next two weeks. I went on a field trip with my fourth graders to the zoo and even took a trip to Las Vegas during Fall Break (which my students won for me in a previous magazine sale at school).  Even though life was ticking away, those two babies NEVER left my mind.  I rubbed my belly many times throughout the day and sang songs to them periodically.  Laugh if you will, but this was serious to me!  Jason even joined me in some of the fun.  Although he didn't sing to them as I did, he bought a HUGE jar of pickles at the grocery store because, one day soon, I would live out the pregnant woman myth...eat pickles and ice cream. It HAD to work if I had PICKLES!

The pregnancy test day came painstakingly slow, but it came.  I once again left my house before sunrise to get to the office by 7:00.  I wore my favorite outfit, because this was going to be a life changing day for me!  I wanted to remember every last detail of this special day.  They did the routine stick in the arm and told me, as I left, they would call me before the day was over with the result.  I got back to school to continue my day as normally as possible until they called.  My sweet secretary at the time knew to call me in my classroom the second the phone call came.  The phone call came at 9:37.....

My kids were at P.E. at the time, so I flew to the office to get the news when I was buzzed from the school office.  I was smiling from ear to ear while my heart was beating a mile a minute.  This was it!  All the hard work, pain, sweat, and tears came down to this moment! When I answered the phone, I got the news.....negative.  After all we had endured for a baby over the last few months, the answer was "no".  How could this be?  No one could want this more than me! I prayed hard for this! Funny how I remember everything up to this point but it becomes a big blur after that.  I do remember nearly fainting with despair as I hung up the phone.  Some teacher friends moved me into the counselor's office (seems fitting doesn't it) so I wouldn't have to tell people over and over.  That was where I had to make the hardest phone call of my life.  I had to tell Jason.  How was I supposed to tell my husband?  I called the main number to the high school, because he couldn't answer his cell phone.  Usually students answer the phone at the high school, but, on this day, one of the secretaries answered and knew right away. I probably don't have to say that I was almost hyperventilating (and that's not an exaggeration).  Jason came to the phone after what seemed like years, and I broke the news to him between some serious sobs.  I didn't want to do this to him.  He said all the "right" things, but I knew he was hurting deeply.

People offered to drive me home, because there was NO way I could remain at school that day and teach those kiddos.  I was dying inside and there was no way I could hide it in front of fourth graders.  Being the determined person I am, I assured them I could drive home safely.  I thank the Lord for getting me home that day because I was A MESS.  Jason met me at home, and we cried together.  It was a low like I had never felt before.  I urged him to go back to school for I needed some time to let this sink in. 

As I was making my way through the kitchen after telling him goodbye, I saw them.....those pickles.  Funny how something so simple can cause so much pain.... 

Here We Go Again!!!!

The next few months were slow but tolerable.  After all, it was summertime (my favorite) and it was just a bump in the road...not the end.  The painful part was not knowing if my longing would ever become reality.  I didn't mind waiting  if I knew the end result was a precious baby.  I said on several occasion that if God would just tell me it would happen one day in His perfect timing, I would be fine.  Problem is, we don't have that luxury.  That's where faith comes in. 

Faith got me to mid-September to start everything up again.  I was somehow able to pump myself up again for this journey.  This time, they put me on a special protocol that was created for women who get overstimulated with all the medicines.  As before, I went for bloodwork and ultrasounds frequently, along with  my daily injections.  To say that I was petrified each and every time I walked into the Fertility Clinic or called the private message system to check on my levels, would be a perfect description.  After all, things were going fine until I went to a routine visit last time.  We actually made it this time to the procedures....thank goodness.  I'll never forget scheduling the retrieval and embryo transfer.  My dreams were finally becoming reality.

On retrieval day, I was a wee bit nervous.  They take my eggs and then mix them with Jason's friends (I'll spare you the details).  It's not the most comfortable procedure I have ever had done in my life, but we were getting the show on the road.  That's the important part.

On days 1 and 3 after the retrieval, the office calls to give you a nursery report.  Isn't that cute?  They let you know how many embryos you have each time and how mature they are.  The goal is to have 2 really good ones to transfer on day 5.  If you have any more than that, they can freeze them for future use.  On day 1, we had 11 cute little embryos that were forming. Wouldn't it be awesome after all we had been through up to this point if we lots to choose from?  The thought made me happy, until I got the day 3 report.  Now, we only had 8 and not all of those were likely to mature.  On day 5, we show up for the transfer.  That is when they take the two best looking embryos and insert them (once again I'll spare the details).  When we got to the back, they informed us that we only had two embryos to make it and they rated them on a scale of 1-4 (four being the best). Both embryos were a "2".  Not the best, but not the worst either.  I repeated to myself time and time again that it only takes one.  During the procedure, you can actually watch on the screen the whole thing take place.  Pretty neat, if I wasn't so scared and nervous!  Besides, I had to drink 48 ounces of water and couldn't go to the bathroom until afterwards.  Somehow, this made things work better (so they said).  I got to the most uncomfortable time in my life where I warned them I had to go or else.  They told me I could, but only long enough for me to count to five...then stop.  Really?  If you've never tried that, don't!  Take my word for it.  NOT a fun experience!  After it was all over, they gave us a picture of the two embryos.  I kept them right beside me or in my hands most of the time.  I rubbed my belly multiple times each day and talked to those embryos.  I wanted them to feel loved and welcome in their new home.  I know it sounds crazy, but lots of money and dreams were riding on this, and I was going to do ALL I could!

After the retrieval, we had to wait two weeks for the pregnancy test....

Don't Stop It!

To be clear...just because we decided to do In Vitro didn't mean that I was super excited about it.  I mean, we were about to pay big money for what most other people get FOR FREE.  It didn't seem fair.  All I wanted was a child of my very own to love and raise.  It didn't seem too much to ask.  I was a little bitter (just being honest) and extremely scared about this decision, but if it got me closer to the family I dearly longed for, then let's do it.

To say I wasn't fully prepared emotionally or physically for this experience would be a very large understatement. I am petrified of needles and I became a human pincushion.  I gave myself no less than 5 shots A DAY!  I'm the one who cries when I get a flu shot for goodness sake!  If you had asked me several years before if I would ever give myself a shot, I would have answered with a resounding, "No!" I told you my desire for a baby was strong.

The whole process takes about 6 weeks from beginning to end...when it goes smoothly.  I have yet to have a smooth run at it.

When we began the process in late April of 2006, I met the challenge head on only to be stopped mid cycle.  I went for routine labwork (because they are ALWAYS checking your levels and doing ultrasounds).  I was there at 7:00, so I  could get back to school quickly.  My sweet mom would go with me each time, so I wouldn't have to go alone (yes, she met me at 5:40 in the morning each time).  I had enough experience with this Infertility thing to know that things can change day by day, minute by minute.  I wasn't, however, prepared for this.  As the nurse was doing the ultrasound, I was watching her face for a sign of how things looked.  On this day, I saw no smile.  When I asked if everything was okay, I saw the head tilt.  You know what I mean? That sympathetic head tilt that causes your stomach to do flips and your heart to beat right out of your chest?  They immediately told me to meet the nurse in charge of In Vitro in her office...not a good sign  It was a pretty short walk down the hall to her office, but it felt like forever.  When she finally met me in there, she informed that I was overstimulated and the cycle would be stopped for a couple of months.  Just like that...it was all over.  It wasn't the end forever, just for three EXTREMELY long months.  You see, when you have a strong desire to have a baby and you think you are on your way, three months IS eternity.  I squalled right there in the office.  Remember when I said I wasn't prepared fully for this journey?

The painful and rather depressing three months began.....

This Wasn't the Plan!

"This wasn't the plan"....I kept repeating that to myself over and over for several months. 

We first went to the Fertility Clinic in December of 2005. The place in itself was depressing.  Everyone was super nice and really supportive, but every patient there was stressed and sad just like me.  This wasn't a place people went to because life was going perfectly. It wasn't out of the ordinary to see several people crying with just one visit.  Little did I know at that point, that the person crying at many visits would be me.  At first, I tried hard to be optimistic, because they would find the reason it hadn't happened yet, fix it, and I would give birth to a beautiful baby.  Wrong!

After doing a battery of tests on both of us, they sat across the desk from us shortly thereafter and said that our case was "unexplained infertility."  I don't mind telling you that I had a range of emotions at that moment.  I was sad that it had come to this; angry because this wasn't MY plan; anxious because the future was unsure now.  Right then and there, I became paralyzed with fear that I would never hold a baby of my own.  They started listing off statistics of our chances of having a baby and the options we had to get there.  Honestly, they could have just told me to jump out of an airplane with no parachute and it would have been just as scary.  Time to put my big girl panties on and move forward.

We decided to try IUI (Insemination) first since we get six chances free (minus medicines) but they gave us about a 10-15% chance. I tried to put aside the percentages and focus on this unbelievable desire I had to be a mom.  God can do anything, right?  It's all in His perfect timing anyway, right?  After several (by this I mean nearly 50) trips to Birmingham to get my levels just right, the day came.  This could be it.  This could be the day that changes my life forever.  It did, just not in the way I wanted.  The procedure went well and we just had to wait.  Two weeks doesn't feel like a long time, but when you are waiting for an answer of this magnitude, it feels like eternity.  After about two weeks and my levels being "perfect" with every check, the answer was "No."  Devastation!  This wasn't the plan!!!!!!

After finding out it did not work, I will never forget falling down in my hallway at home in the fetal position and doing the ugly cry.  You know that cry.  It's the one only those who REALLY care about you love you through.  I knew this wasn't the end, but it sure felt like a roadblock the size of Texas.  When we went for our consultation visit to discuss our next course of action, I heard my husband say that he couldn't watch me endure this five more times and he thought we should do in vitro.  Wait a minute!  This very statement from him was surprising for several reasons...mainly, no one on earth is as money conscious as Jason.  (That is a kind way of saying, "tight"). In vitro is very expensive and we both are teachers, for Heaven's sake!  We had discussed the idea of In Vitro a few times, but that always seemed like a last resort. We would never have to do THAT.  This wasn't the plan!

We discussed it to death (if you know me, you know that's an understatement), gathered the money (lots of it), and decided in May of 2006, In Vitro was our plan....

The Reason

Let's just say this has been a long time coming.  Many people (you know who you are) have urged me to blog about my life.  To be honest, this scares me to death, because it will make me remember with clarity the terribly painful times and I wonder, "Why would anyone care about my life?".  My hopes are that this blog touches someone, helps someone, or, maybe in the end, is just therapeutic for me!  I hope to look back at this blog years from now and see a scrapbook of my life.  I am not a professional writer or candid storyteller.  I'm just a wife and a mommy with stories to tell. So here it goes.....

Jason and I married in the summer of 2000.  It was a perfect day, one I had dreamed of since I was a little girl.  We enjoyed married life, but to say I wanted to be a mommy would be a HUGE understatement.  I honestly never worried about it happening because I am OCD (I know some of you are laughing at that understatement right now) and had every detail in my timeline mapped out.  I would be married and have a baby a couple of years later in March (because that worked out best with school).  God must have been laughing at this plan because none of it came to be in this way.  After about 4 years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby, doctors started speaking the words I never wanted to hear....infertility. 

Hang on...more to come!

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed...” Matthew 17:20