It Just Became Real!

Contrary to our thinking (and the doctor's thinking), we had to schedule an induction.  Lynley had been so ready to enter this world that she surprised us early.  Apparently, Anderson was extremely comfortable and had no plans to come on his own.  Therefore, we were scheduled to induce bright and early on November 18, 2013. I had SO many thoughts and emotions leading into that beautiful, fall day.  What was our "new" life going to be like?  Am I really ready to be the mom of three?  Will this birth lack the horror and anxiety of the last one?  For the love, will my epidural FINALLY work this time? Will I ever sleep through the night again?

We had to be there at 6:00 A.M. at St. Vincent's in Birmingham.  I'm not sure how much sleep I got the night before, because my mind was swirling in a thousand different directions.  I was so ready to have this extra weight of a human watermelon gone, but I had the normal butterflies of the unknown.

Thankfully, we did not have to race there as we did with Lynley.  If you read my previous birth post, you know my husband probably broke speed barriers on the way to Birmingham after my water broke with our baby girl.  We arrived a little before 6:00 (that's REALLY early, by the way), and the staff was readily awaiting us.  Not too long later, I was hooked up to THE juice and things progressed quickly.  I'll spare all the birthing details other than the fact that I was given TWO epidurals that did NOT work (yes, AGAIN).  The anesthesiologist informed me about thirty minutes before the delivery that epidurals do not work in a very few people, and I happened to be one of those.  Oh, joy!  So, I guess we can say that I had "natural" deliveries each time, right?  I should get some award for that!  Other than the epidural dilemma, the birth of our sweet, precious, adorable son was drama-free (not pain-free, though, just in case you were wondering).  At 11:11 a.m., I got to see Anderson Brock Pierce for the first time and it was truly a moment I simply will never forget.  He was perfect, all 8 lbs, 4 ozs of him.  I was one proud mommy who heart was bursting with love for all three of my miracles!  He got to stay in the room with us. No NICU this time!

A few hours later, Anderson got to meet Harrison and Lynley.  Oh that moment....Harrison was in big brother mode as soon as he walked in the door.  He wanted to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, and love him to pieces.  Lynley, on the other hand, was unsure of this new member of our family.  She loved him, but was a little young to "get it" all.

We came home and officially became a family of FIVE....

We had roughly three weeks at home, and then our happy (sleepless) life suddenly changed....

Preparing for "A" Day (not the football kind)

I have OCD.  No, it has not been diagnosed, but I drive myself CRAZY having to have things just "so"!  So, you would think that the planner in me would be on top of getting ready for this precious little surprise.  Quite the opposite.  I was so completely overwhelmed and tired (and let's don't forget pregnant) that I drug my feet this time.  With Harrison, we had everything ready months ahead of time.  With Lynley, we had things ready, but NOT way ahead of time.  With Anderson, we didn't have anything ready, and we weren't in a hurry to do so!  In our defense (because we need one), we were going to have to do a switcheroo on bedrooms for the boys.  That involved moving Harrison to our new bedroom/office upstairs and completely change out his old bedroom to look like a baby.  That doesn't sound too hard, I know!  Even though the bedroom was "new" upstairs, it had become the place to put everything that didn't have a place....especially the closets.  That, my friends, is why we became ok with dragging our feet.  There are days I would go up there to clean out and make room for Harrison's things.  On those occasions, I seemed to end up with a bigger mess than when I started.  I had a stack for things to be thrown away, a stack for things to be given away, a stack for things I currently had no idea what to do with, and a stack for everything I needed to find room for elsewhere!  At least I had stacks....

One thing we knew for absolute certain was that, no matter when this sweet bundle actually got his own room to call his, he would be loved to the moon and back....plus some.  The pregnancy was very smooth.  No wrinkles like with our little Lynley (thank goodness).  Although the fear never really completely left, it became much less with each good doctor's appointment.  The only problem at all was my lack of being able to breathe.  The doctor assured me that I had plenty of oxygen, but there were moments where I couldn't get my breath at all.  I don't mind telling you that that is downright scary.  I nearly had several panic attacks (that I had never experienced before).  Due to this, I couldn't eat a lot at any one time (and that's part of the fun of being pregnant, isn't it?).   My baby was healthy and that's all that mattered to us anyway!

A few highlights of the fall before Anderson was due on November 24, 2013....

My Harrison started KINDERGARTEN

 

A little cold Pumpkin Patch fun!

Halloween 2013 with my flower and blue crayon

Harrison turns SIX with a birthday party with sweet friends at the Sports Zone!

Harrison plays soccer for the first time for the Titan Tigers!  FUN!!!

 

 

Sweet friends gave me a precious, memorable baby shower!  We were DEFINITELY "showered" with pretty much everything we needed!

Even though the house was not "prepared", we were absolutely ready to meet our sweet bundle.  Time is drawing near....

And BOY makes THREE!

SO many emotions ran through the Pierce household over the next several weeks.  The primary one was SHOCK.  We tried to wrap our minds around how, after three rounds of in vitro, more shots than we could possibly count, MANY tears, and the roller coaster ride of infertility, this could be happening.  This scenario that was playing out before our very eyes was nothing short of stunning and miraculous.  Along with the giddiness of it all came a bit of anxiety and fear.  Not too long ago, we had been ELATED with the news that we were having a precious baby girl followed by the news no parent wants to hear...that we could lose her before ever getting to know her.  That, my friends, NEVER fully leaves your mind.  So, as excited as we were, reality was a bit scary. 
I lived the first couple of months in limbo between elation and paralyzing fear.  With each appointment and sonogram, I just couldn't completely shake the thoughts of what happened before.  I know that we got through all of the horrific events that happened, but I just knew there was NO way I could do it again.  After a while (and numerous talks with loyal friends, family, and GOD), I decided something.  I truly was given a GIFT.  One I did not have to work for.  One I had NO idea was coming.  How I handled this gift was up to me and me only.  I could live this entire pregnancy in fear or I could enjoy the "second" chance I had been given.  I won't say it all changed in a moment.  It was sometimes a daily decision.  I was given a "do over" (as far as pregnancies are concerned) and I was going to enjoy this one to the fullest.  I spent time dreaming about this baby with smiles instead of fear.
On the morning of June 10, 2013, we went to a monthly appointment.  I was going to try to talk them in to finding out the gender of this baby.  You see, I am a planner (and those that know me well are truly laughing out loud at that understatement) and I NEEDED (not just wanted but needed) to know if I was going to need pink or blue.  Deep down I knew it was a tad early and the chances of finding out during this appointment were not really high.  Guess what?  I didn't even have to plead or beg.  In fact, they OFFERED to do an ultrasound to see if we could see yet.  As I waited on the ultrasound technician (who, by now, should in our will we know her so well), I only felt pure joy at the thought of this baby.  That, friends, was a GIFT that could only come from above.  No fear.  No anxiety.  No tension.  Only happiness at this miracle inside me. 

Here's what we saw.....

 

A perfectly HEALTHY baby BOY!  Anderson Brock Pierce

Confession Time

Here's where I think I should confess a few things:
1.  As I was a little girl growing up, I always said I would have three kids.  I would have a boy first and then two little girls.  This was when life was easy, and I was young and naive.  I totally gave up on this dream after sitting in the Fertility Clinic for the umpteenth time. Not on purpose, but I never shared this "dream" with Jason.  After I saw the results of the pregnancy test, I told Jason.  I think he wishes I'd shared this just a tad earlier!!!!  Kind of puts some validity to a small child's dreams.  Needless to say, I am listening to every dream of Harrison!  You never know, he might become a farmer or a bird in a cuckoo clock!
2. True, I always dreamed of having three kids, but, let me just say, going from one to two kids rocked my world a bit.  It didn't help that we had open heart surgeries and other bothersome things, too.  To say that I am a schedule and routine kind of person is putting it mildly.  I know I need to chill out a bit (and all those that know me well are screaming "Hallelujah"), but I just can't help it!  I try....I really do!  I did adjust, however, and finally got "comfortable" being the mommy of two.  The thought of THREE kids seemed a little overwhelming, to say the least.  Yes, I was happy about this newest gift, but I was just getting used to THIS life, you know?
3.  I was SCARED TO DEATH to be pregnant with the tumultuous pregnancy with Lynley.  In the beginning, I couldn't quite shake that uneasy feeling that something could go wrong at ANY time, and I truly didn't know if I could handle anything like that again.  With each doctor's appointment, I was more excited yet anxious, because Lynley's diagnosis came from nowhere!  Could I really let myself relax and enjoy this?  I prayed very, very, very hard for this.  Sometimes, it was daily struggle to just let myself enjoy this.  That sounds very bad, I know, but it was my reality.  Most of me knew this was a gift from God to help heal all the wounds relating to Lynley, but there were times the enemy reminded me that it could all happen again without warning.
4.  Pure and simple....I felt WAY too old for this! 

I went to my OBGYN on Tuesday.  I felt a myriad of emotions...excitement, anticipation, fear, joy, etc.  Thankfully, I have a fabulous doctor that was just as happy for us as we were (shocked but happy).  It was all verified.  There, on the ultrasound screen was a BEAUTIFUL gift.  They weren't sure, due to it being way early in the pregnancy, if anything would show up. God KNEW I needed to, not only hear the news, but SEE it for myself.  Have I mentioned how thrilled we were?  I'm pretty sure I used half a box of Kleenex as I laid there and let this sink in.  This was real.  This was going to happen.  This was our "full circle" moment.  In the midst of the excitement and tears, I think I heard God say, "I TOLD you I had this!!!!"


 

Operation Shock and Awe....Well Worth the Wait

WOW!  I just kept staring at that stick.  I'm not sure I blinked for several minutes.  It was a moment I had dreamed of for years (more like a lifetime), and here it was!  Not much makes me speechless (if you know me well, you know that's true), but I definitely was.  Although I try to look at glasses being half full instead of half empty, I'll admit that, in this case, I started thinking of all the reasons that this was a false positive.  After what seemed like hours, I casually walked into the living room where Jason was playing with Harrison and Lynley.  (He told me up front that he did not want to know when I took the test.  I guess he couldn't take the nerves.)  I showed him the test, and he just looked at me with a smirky grin, as if he knew it all along.  While I was trying to figure out how I could get a false positive, Mr. Pierce had already convinced himself that we were pregnant.

Although Jason believed all of this, he made it very clear that he didn't want to tell anyone yet...until it was confirmed by my doctor.  Since it was Good Friday and a holiday weekend, that wasn't going to happen until at least the next week.  We agreed that we could tell our parents, but no one else.  We'd been the route of telling people we were pregnant with twins and then having to tell that we lost one.  If at all possible, we didn't want to travel that road again!  Needless to say, it was traumatic!

I visited a friend that afternoon who had just had a baby.  Since we were totally traveling in unknown territory, Jason told me to ask her (and only her) what to do now.  How long do you wait to call the doctor?  Can this be a false positive?  I was absolutely bursting at the seams to tell someone.  When I told her well into our visit, her reaction was priceless.  Hey, this was fun!  She assured me that false negatives can happen, but rarely do false positives happen.  Although most people wait a little longer before going to the doctor, under these circumstances, she thought it would be perfectly fine to call on Monday.  That was the plan, then, but how in the world was I going to hold it in until the next week? 

I'm pretty sure nothing could have wiped the grin off my face.  Was this real?  Could this really happen?  I'd been told many times of people it happened to, but this was us, after all!  We'd had to work (and I mean REALLY work) for the two precious kiddos we have.

You know what they say about "best laid plans"?  They "often go astray"!  Well, we INTENDED to keep this news to ourselves.  That night was the Good Friday service at church.  We told Jason's parents before we left and they thought we were adopting.  Hahahaha!  You see, this was the furthest thing from anyone's mind, including the Pierces!  When we got to church and started seeing all of our closest friends, our intentions went out the window.  I'll never forget that night as long as I live.  We got a variety of reactions...tears, mouths that were gaping WIDE open, laughs (my mom included), etc... I'm pretty sure through telling the news, God was smiling and so was I!!!!  Fun times!

I couldn't get totally excited (although I was pretty close) until it was confirmed by my OBGYN the following week......

Twists and Turns

Just when you think you have life (somewhat) figured out, you get thrown a curveball. 

As I said, after Lynley's surgery and into the fall, I just couldn't shake the sadness of the pregnancy I didn't get to have.  I was pregnant all right, but I didn't get to experience the JOY of it all.  Instead, I had a black cloud looming over with every doctor's appointment.  I simply could not enjoy the whole experience of awaiting a precious baby (and, oh my, was she precious). 

There was really nothing I could do to change my feelings except pray about it continually, and that's just what I did.  I went on pretending that things were great, but inside I just felt empty.  I knew, in time, God would make it all better, so I trudged on enjoying what I had been blessed with...a super, healthy son and a precious, healed daughter.  I was still on leave from school, getting Lynley to her therapy sessions and doctor appointments and watching her truly thrive and astound everyone she came in contact with.

We celebrated a certain five-year-old's birthday, a busy Christmas season, and the first birthday of an amazing one-year-old.  Life was moving right along, and I moved right along with it.  The feeling of emptiness and sadness never completely went away.  In fact, on dark days, the feeling was unbearable.  That wasn't every day, though.  I spent my time soaking up all I could of the two best children I could have been given.

For Spring Break, we took our yearly family trip to Gatlinburg...one of my favorite trips of the year.  It's just my immediate family, and we have so much fun just getting away for the week.  No real schedules, dirty laundry, cleaning...you get the idea.  I had no idea that this year we were going to experience the twist and turn of a lifetime!  As the week sped by, the girl whose cycle is ALWAYS to the day was off.  A few days late became a week, and I'll just tell you, this girl began to panic.  Of course, I kept thinking of all the medical things that could be wrong with me.  Jason, being fully Jason, was more laid back about it.  It was mentioned in passing a couple of times throughout the week that it could be that I was pregnant, but neither of us could truly let that sink in.   After all, three in vitros and $75,000 later, we were extremely lucky (and blessed) to have the two kiddos we have.  I convinced myself that something was wrong and vowed to go to the doctor the next week to find out what it was.

The pregnancy thought kept nagging us.  When we got home on Thursday night, Jason decided to just get a home test to rule that out.  Let me just say, neither of us were even remotely thinking that was the "problem".  I did the test the next morning (without Jason knowing it because he made it clear he did not want to know when I did it).  I guess the nerves were more than he could handle.  As I did the test, I had zero confidence that it would be positive.  Remember, I had never seen one of these be positive...ever!  I had seen more lines and no's than I cared to in a lifetime.  I convinced myself that I was not capable of producing a positive test.  Here's what I saw even before the three minutes were up....

 

God, you TRULY do have a sense of humor! And the fun begins....

 

Just Being Brutally Honest!

This is definitely not going to be my most flattering post.  It is brutally honest, but it is all part of my story.  It is yet another puzzle piece of how God is working in my life.  I guess you have to have some hard days to truly appreciate the good days.  That's exactly what happened to me...

Lynley made it through surgery (both of them) like the champ we knew she was.  We finally got to come home and begin our new (somewhat less stressful) lives.  My two children were under one roof and there wasn't a life/death surgery looming anymore.  Life was good, or SHOULD have been!

We had decided that it was best for all involved if I did not go back to work in the fall.  Lynley still had therapy sessions to go to (in Birmingham, nonetheless) and was still only a few weeks out of major surgery.  There was NO way this momma could leave her now!  So, the plan was to stay out a semester to be there for all her care would entail (and to finally ENJOY being Lynley's mommy instead of being her "worrywart")!  She was thriving in every way, so shouldn't I have peace?

Here's terribly honest part....I was completely depressed and angry.  It wasn't all the time, and I tried never to show it outwardly (which was even harder, by the way).  The reason for this sadness was that I was mourning the pregnancy and experience I didn't get to have with Lynley.  That may sound very selfish, but I didn't get to truly enjoy one minute of my pregnancy with her (from losing a twin, to finding a defect, to the uncertainties of each doctor's visit).  I didn't even get to enjoy her birth.  She was whisked away just minutes after I had her and I was in life/death surgery just a few hours after.  The first few months of her life were spent in anxiety and I couldn't even show her off to anyone for fear that she would get fatal germs.  All of that was bad, but we made it.  She survived and was thriving by all standards, so what was my problem?  Why couldn't I just appreciate the here and now.  Why couldn't I enjoy to the fullest having a miracle for a daughter?  I guess that's what was the saddest.  I had no idea why I just couldn't GET OVER IT!  I prayed lengthy prayers for God to just give me true peace and joy, yet it just wasn't coming. What in the world was wrong with me? 

Sad, I know, but those were my true feelings.  I knew that that was our last chance at a baby...after all, we had even failed with one in vitro attempt.  We'd be paying for this last attempt for what feels like forever, and, frankly, neither Jason nor I could handle the emotional part of in vitro and pregnancy again.  That's what hurt so bad that I couldn't shake it.  I didn't necessarily want to be pregnant again.  it wasn't that!  I just wanted my experience to be different.  I couldn't stand to hear that someone was pregnant or see a pregnant person.  I was bitter that they got to enjoy the pregnancy months and the anticipation that goes with it.  My pregnancy days were done...gone.  Even with all the prayers I lifted up, there just still wasn't peace, and my feelings seemed to be getting worse, not better.  I truly hated feeling like this.

I know now that God was chuckling, because only He knew what was around the corner (oh dear gussey)....