Elation - I was thrilled beyond comprehension that I was actually holding a newborn baby in my arms. There were many times during my pregnancy that this was not a given. We spent a lot of time waiting on her birth wondering if the diagnosis was wrong or if she would be worse physically than anyone thought or imagined. Having gone through wondering if I would ever get to hold her, I was elated every time she was in my arms. Although she was not as healthy as we prayed she would be, she was here, in our arms, and it felt good.
Exhaustion - We knew Lynley was facing open heart surgery....no doubt about it. The doctors were doing all they could to help her grow and gain weight before she underwent surgery. They told us that gaining weight would give her "the greatest chance for surviving surgery." I'm not sure how any mommy sleeps after hearing those words about her baby, but I made it my mission in life to make sure I did all I could to help Lynley thrive and continue to gain weight. It sounds easy enough, but I nearly wore myself to a frazzle trying to make this happen. Because it was such hard work for her, drinking milk was somewhat of a struggle. I worried if she didn't drink every last ounce she was supposed to. To put on weight, the doctors were having me wake her up in the middle of the night to feed her - totally against everything I believed in. Why wake a perfectly sleeping baby? She did NOT care about eating. She wanted to sleep, and, frankly, so did I. It's one thing when your newborn baby wakes you up in hunger, but it's a whole different ballgame trying to get a baby to eat when she is not interested. Sometimes feedings took nearly an hour, and it felt like I turned around and did it all over again. My body was exhausted and my mind was exhausted from worry.
Anger - I know it sounds horrible to say, but this is not the life I wanted. I didn't want to have to go to cardiology appointments with my newborn hearing of an impending open heart surgery. I didn't want to be in "seclusion" with her to keep her from getting sick. I asked for her to be healed completely, and it didn't happen. I totally didn't understand this path I was supposed to follow, and it just didn't seem fair. Yes, I had the baby that I so desperately wanted, but the worry and anxiety that surrounded us was suffocating! I knew God had not left the Pierce family, but, at the time, I did NOT understand the plan at all. I trusted that God knew what He was doing, but I cannot say that I didn't have doubts and frustration a lot of the time. I wouldn't see until way later what God was doing in Lynley during this hard time.
Loneliness - What does every mommy of a newborn want to do when she gets that sweet baby home? Of course, she wants to show him/her off. That was not something I could do. Due to fear that she could get sick (and that could very well be "life threatening" for her), doctors insisted that we keep her at home unless totally necessary. That meant there were no friendly get-togethers, play dates, trips to the park, church services, etc. I'm so thankful I have my mother. Whenever I needed to go to the grocery store or go somewhere with Harrison, she came over to keep Lynley. She would meet me in the parking lot of Harrison's preschool and watch her in my van while I walked my sweet boy in and picked him up. For the five months we were "quarantined", it was extremely hard for this mommy. I love having both of my kiddos but life as we knew it had drastically changed. Believe me, it got lonely (and scary)!
Fear - Although Lynley had made it into this world just fine, she was not out of the woods. Her heart condition was very scary. We knew she had a hole (possibly two) in her heart that would not heal on their own. The longer we could put off the surgery, the greater her chances would be. Yes, I said it. "Her chances." That meant there was no guarantee. Open heart surgery is a scary thing. Open heart surgery is a REALLY scary thing when it comes to your baby! The only way I ever even rested at night is a "God thing" in itself. Part of me wanted this surgery over and done with. The other part of me was paralyzed by the fear of this surgery. What would happen to my baby? What if she didn't make it? What if there are complications? What if I didn't do enough? What if my love couldn't save her? What if I never got to see her grow up?
We did get to dedicate Lynley on Mother's Day at church. We couldn't stay past the dedication time, but being there with my beautiful baby made my first Mother's Day with Lynley special. Yes, the surgery was coming, but, for a few short minutes, my life felt normal.
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The surgery was coming less in less than a month whether I was ready or not.....
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