This is definitely not going to be my most flattering post. It is brutally honest, but it is all part of my story. It is yet another puzzle piece of how God is working in my life. I guess you have to have some hard days to truly appreciate the good days. That's exactly what happened to me...
Lynley made it through surgery (both of them) like the champ we knew she was. We finally got to come home and begin our new (somewhat less stressful) lives. My two children were under one roof and there wasn't a life/death surgery looming anymore. Life was good, or SHOULD have been!
We had decided that it was best for all involved if I did not go back to work in the fall. Lynley still had therapy sessions to go to (in Birmingham, nonetheless) and was still only a few weeks out of major surgery. There was NO way this momma could leave her now! So, the plan was to stay out a semester to be there for all her care would entail (and to finally ENJOY being Lynley's mommy instead of being her "worrywart")! She was thriving in every way, so shouldn't I have peace?
Here's terribly honest part....I was completely depressed and angry. It wasn't all the time, and I tried never to show it outwardly (which was even harder, by the way). The reason for this sadness was that I was mourning the pregnancy and experience I didn't get to have with Lynley. That may sound very selfish, but I didn't get to truly enjoy one minute of my pregnancy with her (from losing a twin, to finding a defect, to the uncertainties of each doctor's visit). I didn't even get to enjoy her birth. She was whisked away just minutes after I had her and I was in life/death surgery just a few hours after. The first few months of her life were spent in anxiety and I couldn't even show her off to anyone for fear that she would get fatal germs. All of that was bad, but we made it. She survived and was thriving by all standards, so what was my problem? Why couldn't I just appreciate the here and now. Why couldn't I enjoy to the fullest having a miracle for a daughter? I guess that's what was the saddest. I had no idea why I just couldn't GET OVER IT! I prayed lengthy prayers for God to just give me true peace and joy, yet it just wasn't coming. What in the world was wrong with me?
Sad, I know, but those were my true feelings. I knew that that was our last chance at a baby...after all, we had even failed with one in vitro attempt. We'd be paying for this last attempt for what feels like forever, and, frankly, neither Jason nor I could handle the emotional part of in vitro and pregnancy again. That's what hurt so bad that I couldn't shake it. I didn't necessarily want to be pregnant again. it wasn't that! I just wanted my experience to be different. I couldn't stand to hear that someone was pregnant or see a pregnant person. I was bitter that they got to enjoy the pregnancy months and the anticipation that goes with it. My pregnancy days were done...gone. Even with all the prayers I lifted up, there just still wasn't peace, and my feelings seemed to be getting worse, not better. I truly hated feeling like this.
I know now that God was chuckling, because only He knew what was around the corner (oh dear gussey)....
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