As scheduled, I was in line at the doctor's office bright and early that Mother's Day. As I had my ultrasound, I knew something didn't look right to the nurse. I have gotten extremely good at reading their faces, and her face told me I wouldn't be doing the happy dance as I left the office. She told me to get dressed and she would be right back in to talk to me. As much as I like to talk, I knew this was not a talk I wanted to have...especially on Mother's Day of all days. Upon her return, she informed me that the follicles were just not to the size they needed to be, even with the countless injections I was doing daily. I kept my composure, surprisingly, until I asked the dreaded question. "What happens now?" In the sweetest voice, she told me to check my voicemail on their answering service that afternoon to see what to do next. She tried to tell me that the cycle was not necessarily over, but for me to prepare myself for that possibility as best I could. So, Happy Mother's Day to me! As I drove back to Gadsden that Sunday morning to meet my two fellas at church, I decided that I had two options. I could let this news totally ruin my day and wallow in pity, or I could put my big girl panties on and believe that God has this in His hands. I won't lie. The first option totally had me to begin with. How could I go back home and pretend (because that is what I would be doing) to be happy when my dreams were about to be shattered once again? I fought it for a good portion of the way home. I didn't want to put big girl panties on. I didn't want to smile and pretend things were great. I didn't want to explain the latest details to everyone. It was then that God reminded me (kind of like a kick in the seat of my big girl panties) that He was in control and no amount of crying would ever change that. I felt a peace as I neared the church parking lot. I didn't forget what I might be facing, but I didn't feel as smothered by it all. Only God can do that!
That afternoon, I must have checked the clinic's voicemail five dozen times. (I said I felt more peaceful. I didn't say I was less neurotic). About 4:00, I received the dreaded voicemail. They told me to continue the injections for one more night, and to be back in the office for one last ultrasound in the morning to make their final decision on whether to stop the cycle or not. I can't say I was comforted by the voicemail or that I got ANY sleep that night, but I tried to focus on the fact that it wasn't over yet.
After my nearly sleepless night, I found myself right back in the office the next morning bright and early. The nurse performing the ultrasound looked no less concerned that morning. She informed me that the follicles looked no larger as they needed them to be. Of course, I asked her if it was over. She told me that she couldn't make that call, but to prepare myself for that decision later that day. Once again, they would let my doctor review the results, but there was no way they could continue as scheduled. And that was that!
I continued on with my day teaching my fourth graders in a huge trance. I tried to focus on ANYTHING other than follicles, babies, ultrasounds, and in vitros. I wasn't very successful, but, with the help of my coworker friends, I gave it my all. I checked my voicemail every chance I got, and by the end of the school day, there was still no word from the doctor. I considered that a bad sign as I continued to prepare myself for the bad news when it came.
As 4:00 neared, I called the office myself. Since they cut their phones off at 4:00 each afternoon, I was simply not willing to go one more night in limbo. I had to leave a message with nurse coordinator, and the wait continued. I just needed to hear it officially, as hard as it was going to be to hear.
She finally called me back. She had the cheeriest voice (which struck me as odd and kinda made me mad all at the same time). She started filling me in on what to do for the next few nights to prepare for our IVF retrieval on Friday. Say what? Could you repeat that? I stopped her in the middle of talking and asked her to repeat what she had said. After I came out of shock, I asked her what happened to what I was told this morning. She had NO idea what I was taking about and told me things looked just fine to move forward. I repeat...say what? Had I just spent over 24 hours worrying myself silly when things were fine? The answer is a resounding, "YES". I explained to her the reason for my surprise and she was a little floored. Guess who wasn't floored....God! He reminded me in that moment what He had told me on the way home yesterday. It was a definite humbling moment. The coordinator and I quickly had to come up with a way to get me more injections overnight. Since I was out and had been told, essentially, that it was over, I had not ordered any more medicine. That was a job in itself (and another story in itself), but we got it.
I have not seen that particular nurse again, and that is a good thing. I am far from a violent person. Those of you who know me know that I avoid confrontation, but I think, if I saw "Miss" Nurse again, my claws would come out!!!
So, everything was back on (even though it had never officially been off). I truly hoped the drama was over for this cycle, but I couldn't have been more wrong.....
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