As I lay there in the dark silence the night before Lynley's surgery, I contemplated how hard I would have to beg the medical staff to take me to the operating room instead of her. I wanted to take this from her so badly! As a mom, I just could not bear the thought of handing my almost-five-month-old to a complete stranger for them to cut her open, put her on bypass, and fix her heart. It was a very helpless feeling to say the least. I battled wanting all of this over with to figuring out if I could escape with my precious little girl where they could never find us. Meanwhile, while all of these scary thoughts were drifting through my mind, I stood over the bed of my baby and watched her sleep so peacefully. It was then that the tears began to fall. Right there, in the hospital room. I spent the next few moments praying God's protection over my little one. I would love to say that, at that moment, I got perfect peace about the whole situation. I didn't, but I knew, without a doubt, that God wasn't going to leave us and so many were praying for our little heart patient!
Just going through the motions entirely, I got up and took a shower so I would be "ready" when they came for her. I'm not really sure it's possible to be ready for something like that, but at least I would start the day somewhat put together. I even put on mascara...talk about brave!!!!
They came for her punctually at 5:30 just as they said. Her scheduled surgery time was 7:30, but, with all the pre operation "stuff", they needed her about two hours before. Let me just say, it was a long two hours. Every time I looked into her little innocent face, I would break out in tears. Thankfully, she fell back asleep through much of it. Looking at her, knowing that she had absolutely no idea what was about to happen, almost did me in. They did all the pre-op paperwork while I hugged her with all I had and cried. That pretty much sums up the two hour presurgery time! I was a basketcase and Jason was stoic and very matter of fact. Have you ever heard that opposites attract?
The moment the nurses came to get her for surgery is etched in my brain for all time. I handed my baby over to a complete stranger (although she was extremely friendly) and they whisked her away for surgery. She put my everything in her arms with her head on her shoulders. That sounds endearing, but that left my sweet angel looking at me the whole time they walked away down the hall. It was then that I fell against the wall and to the floor in total helplessness. I know that sounds very dramatic, but it is pure honesty from a broken hearted mommy!
Somehow, I (with my husband's help) made it to the waiting room. We had a complete section filled with family and friends. I am thankful for each and every person that was there to support us that dreadful day. I did my best to look at each minute that passed as another minute closer to seeing my baby. Sitting there, I knew the possibilities. I had heard all the open heart surgery horror stories. I knew just enough to be scared stiff, wanting and praying constantly that my daughter would make it through this. There were no guarantees. I knew that. The horrible thought of never getting to raise her was suffocating.
Although it sounds as if I was a mess (and I was somewhat), I also had a peace that passed all understanding. I handed her over to a physician that I trusted wholeheartedly, but I knew the Great Physician had her in His almighty hands. There were no guarantees that my little would be just fine after all of this, but I knew the One that created her loves her even more than I do! How can I top that?
They gave us updates as the surgery dragged on. Each update was the same...everything is going smoothly. While each update gave me temporary relief, I longed for this whole ordeal to be behind us. After a very long fivei-and-a-half hour surgery, we got the call that it was over and the doctor would be meeting with us shortly. It was over and our little trooper had made it. Praise the Lord!
It was both good and bad after meeting with the surgeon thirty minutes later....
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