As you can imagine, I had so many questions and so many emotions over the next few weeks. I tried my hardest to be strong and focus on the God I serve who only has the best for me. My brain knew that but my heart was completely shattered! I had several friends who were pregnant and having baby showers at this time. As happy as I was for them, I just couldn't go and celebrate their blessing, not knowing if I would ever get to experience it myself. I know how selfish that sounds, but I am being completely transparent.
Our follow up appointment was three weeks from the day of the negative pregnancy test. I dreaded that appointment. I didn't want to relive it all but knew it was necessary to come up with a new plan. As we knew would happen, we were told that, just as before, their was no explanation as to why the process didn't work. Everything looked fantastic on paper. Well, wonderful! I sure would have liked there to be a medical reason the IVF didn't work and an action plan to fix it. No such luck!
Before we began IVF, we bought two chances (called Shared Risk). That meant that we got two chances at IVF, and, if it didn't work, we got 75% of our money back. I know that sounds wonderful and sounds as if the process wouldn't be as stressful under those circumstances, but I didn't want my money back! I wanted a precious baby more than anything.
To give my body a small break to be fully prepared for the next try, it was decided that we would wait one more month and give it our last best shot. As time was approaching, I tried as hard as I could to pump myself up for another try. MUCH easier said than done. I had heard and read (because you KNOW everything you read is true..haha) that with each IVF attempt, your chances go down considerably. I knew how painful this unsuccessful try had been. I could only imagine how devastating it would be if it didn't work next time and my chances were over. I just coouldn't let myself go there very often. My future baby needed me to believe and that's what I would do.
Time finally came to start back up again. Then it happened. On New Year's Eve. Kidney stones. This really couldn't be happening. Could it? Wasn't the hole in my heart pain enough? You know the saying..."When you find God is all that you have, you find He is all you need"? It was quickly becoming my life's motto!
This was not my first bout with kidney stones, but it was the most inconvenient. I had had them several times before (one time almost to the point of death...really). As much as I begged in the midst of kidney stone agony, the doctor would not proceed with our scheduled IVF until my body was completely healed of the stones. So our second and final try was delayed......
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