Disclaimer....Before I even start this post, I want to say that one of the hardest things I have ever had to do is write this as it makes me remember every part of the day that changed our lives forever. It is written as a human mommy with human feelings and emotions....
We only told a very few people about our appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic. After all, there was only a 10% chance that something was "wrong", so why alert the media? It was a long 48 hour wait to get to the appointment, not necessarily because we were scared, but because we were just waiting to finally hear the all clear report and celebrate this little girl we had prayed forever for. Unfortunately, we never got that all clear...
As we sat in the waiting room, we did our best to be upbeat. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait long. They called us back to this pretty dark room (that ought to have been a sign) with a machine much larger than any I had ever seen. When they said they would be doing a very detailed ultrasound, I believed them. As I laid there waiting to begin, I couldn't help but think that a place like this would be perfect for the next Lifetime movie. The extremely friendly (to begin with) nurse ultrasound technician began by looking at our baby girl part at a time. There is no body part that was not covered in this ultrasound. Since I had gotten pretty good at reading an ultrasound technician's facial expressions through the years, I did my best to try to read her. She was very informative at first, showing us her pretty head, eyes, nose, mouth, etc... The longer the ultrasound lasted, the less friendly and informative the nurse became. I tried to remain as positive as I could, but she just wasn't telling us anything. She moved on to our sweet girl's middle section and lower section and that horrible, nagging feeling came back. After about 45 minutes, the ultrasound was complete. She told us the doctor would read all the information, look at all the pictures, and would be in to talk to us "in a little bit." In totally me character, I asked her if everything was okay. She informed us that she couldn't give us any information other than our girl did not have cleft palette. Alrighty, then. Thanks for your wealth of knowledge and for calming my nerves completely!!!! So, the wait began. Our lives were about to be forever changed....
Throughout this time, I'm not sure if Jason ever let go of my hand...God love him! I'm thankful that the hand that was holding me right now was the hand of a husband who would be there through thick and thin. I was about to need him by my side like I never had before.
The doctor came in. I know he doesn't have the easiest of jobs. More often than not, he has to deliver devastating news. It was very apparent that he had become cold and numb to human feelings. Over the next few minutes he told us what no parent should EVER have to hear. Three things were possible for our unborn baby...1) She would die in the next few weeks from a chromosomal defect; 2) She would die at birth due to a chromosomal defect; or 3) She would have Down's Syndrome. He told us he couldn't be sure until an amniocentesis was performed. Before they could do that, they needed our permission and they needed to do it immediately. My head was completely spinning. Not only did they just deliver us news I truly needed to process, they wanted me to do a spur-of-the-moment amnio???? Had I been in my right frame of mind, I would have never allowed them to do the procedure. I think we were willing to do AYTHING to get out of there. I found out as they were performing the amnio, that, not only would it be painful (and it was), but there was a risk to my baby, too. Really? You have just delivered horrible news and now you want to potentially harm my baby? Like I said, I was not thinking clearly, so they did the test. It was awful, but the devastated look on my husband's face during it all was more than I could take. I lost it COMPLETELY!
After the procedure, he wanted to talk to us a little more. He told us that he would call us within 48 hours to tell us which of the three options we were dealing with. Also, he informed us that our baby girl had a pretty bad heart defect that could possibly be fatal. If our baby lived (and he made sure we understood that that was a BIG if), we would be facing open heart surgery. The day just kept getting darker and darker. Then, he asked us if someone had mentioned doing a chromosomal test at the beginning of the pregnancy. We told him that it had been mentioned to us, but that we declined. As if up until now had not been enough, he informed us that, if we had had that test weeks ago, we could have gotten rid of this baby. It was at this point that I told the man to quit talking and that we were going home. It was either that, or strike him in the face with all the force this mommy could muster. The second option seemed like a REALLY good idea, but I restrained. All I needed on top of all this was a mugshot and jail sentence (even though the news felt like one).
I honestly do not remember leaving that building, but I do remember our drive home. I have never seen my husband fall apart like I saw then. We were both screaming and sobbing uncontrollably, and how we got safely home is only by the grace of God. There was a very good chance we were going to lose this precious gift, and I just couldn't bear the thought of that. No parent should have to hear that their baby, whom they prayed fervently for, would probably not live.
The next 48 hours were the most painful of my ENTIRE life (and that is not an exaggeration). For two days, two loving parents were going to be staring at a scary reality...
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