The next few days were a complete blur. I NEVER dreamed, after all we had been through with infertility and IVF, that I would be HOPING that my sweet, unborn baby had Down's Syndrome. If that doctor was right, that is the only option that would allow my baby girl to live. There was about a 2 in 3 chance that we would get a phone call informing us that this baby, that we hoped for, prayed for, and loved deeply, would not live to meet us. That, my friends, is TOTAL despair. This is not the dream you have growing up, and I went through every emotion possible! I was angry that we had paid money for this. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm just being totally real. I was hurt watching watching happy families with healthy children go on living their lives. I was sad, because this was our new reality. This was our life...like it or not. Would a true smile ever cross my face again? I called out through sleepless nights (I mean NO sleep whatsoever for days) to God to save this precious girl. My full time job for the next few days was finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and, only by God's grace did that happen! That's not what I wanted to do. I would have fully chosen to dig a hole in my backyard and bury myself in it. That seemed so much easier than facing this reality over and over throughout the day. I am thankful (SO thankful) that for these few days of misery, I had a bright-eyed, healthy, precious son to keep me going. Had it not been for him, I'm afraid the hole in my backyard would have happened.
Needless to say, I took the rest of the week off from teaching. There was no way I could face people at all. I did my absolute best to function and be a mommy the best I could under the circumstances. Jason and I talked about things very little over that 48 hours. I think we both needed time to process everything (not that I think it is ever fully "processable"). Like me, he did his best to make it through each day.
I had made my mind up that, when the inevitable phone call came from the doctor, I would not be the one to answer it. For one thing, I might say something that I regretted for putting me through this misery, and, also, I just couldn't handle it!
The phone call came a little after 3:00 on that Friday afternoon. As soon as Jason answered it, I left the room. I didn't even want to hear his end of the conversation. I did, however, hear him hang up and head in my direction. He grabbed my hands (Oh, no!) and told me that the preliminary tests showed that our baby had Down's Syndrome with a pretty severe heart defect (that we would know more about through time). There it was...THE news! I remember very little, but I do remember falling to my knees sobbing! On one hand, I was relieved that, more than likely, my baby girl would make it. On the other hand, she wasn't fine. She had huge obstacles to overcome in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. As a mommy, you want to "fix" everything when it comes to your child. You would gladly take on any pain if it meant the pain would be taken from them. This was something I could not fix....not the Down's Syndrome and not the heart defect.
Jason and I handle things VERY differently (and for those of you who know us, you KNOW that's true). At the moment we got the news, he was very black and white about things. He was ready, right then and there, to find out what we needed to do with little emotion involved. I, on the other hand, made a decision that week to believe. It's what I needed to survive. I was ready to believe (with all my heart you will find out) that my baby was FINE or could be totally healed in the next four months. I don't consider it living in the clouds (as Jason sometimes called it). It was what I could do for this precious baby. Someone had to believe FULLY in her, and who better to do that than her mommy? I didn't forget (or ignore) the news we were delivered, but I needed to believe...which became my full time job!
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